Weekend Inspiration: March 29-30, 2008

Remember when Melissa Etheridge had her first post-cancer performance? Talk about inspiration...

Daily Inspiration: 3/28/08

In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds
-Aristotle

Hello/GoodBuy--Byetta

Though I haven't talked about it in any great detail here, I have started Byetta to control my Insulin Resistance and PCOS. It was a tough choice--the doctor's agreeing to put me on it was not necessarily for the same reasons that I wanted to be on it (he wants me to lose weight, I want to stabilize my weight and then go from there).

I have been on it for about three weeks now. It's a pain because it's an injection pen. The injection is barely noticeable, except for the fact that I now have a couple of bruises on my stomach from the injection sites. They don't hurt, they're just there.

I was fearing the worst in terms of side effects. Luckily my body (which has had its share of medicine chucked at it over the years) was resilient and I have yet to have any really disturbing effects. Some nausea, but to be honest, I'm nauseous half the time anyhow.

I have noticed that it has decreased my appetite immensely--which during my trip to Vegas made the trips to the buffet a little less economical. One plate for $25 is not the same as if I had stocked up. Nevertheless, I was dilligent for the first half of my vacation. I gave up the last few days. It wasn't any real choice--I just forgot.

But I have noticed my weight stabalizing, even after the great Lyrica Disaster of 2008. I may have even dropped a few of those added pounds, which would be nice. But more importantly, I feel as if my hunger isn't driving me unnecessarily now.

Sometimes with insulin resistance, part of the problem is not only that your body can't process carbs, but that your body craves them uncontrollably. I learned this after first being diagnosed with IR and reading the Insulin Resistance Diet. Once you get the insatiability under control, I've noticed, you're better focused and less tired. I feel like the Byetta has helped me do just that.

This has played into my whole Thin Line of Fat situation, though. Now that I've stabilized and that I've made progress with the PFD--am I ready to go back to the gym? Am I ready to tackle a low carb, high protein diet? Will it even matter? I guess only time can tell.

For now I'm just catching up on life post-vacation. One small step for me, one giant leap for my insulin resistance.

Daily Inspiration: 3/27/08

No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.
Elbert Hubbard

Blogging From The Road--Lesson #1

Don't promise updated blogs if you are not sure about the quality or quantity of your internet connection time.

I can say that we did have a good vacation. I can also say I learned some lessons not only about internet in Vegas, but about traveling in The Body Chronic. Those lessons will be posted tomorrow--I am in the airport and my plane just arrived.

Things to expect:
- Packing the right clothes
- Footwear issues
- Taking time to relax when trying to see things
- The value of a buffet (or lack thereof)

The Body Chronic on Vacation: Vegas Style

That's right folks! This week The Body Chronic is taking a much needed break in Las Vegas! It'll be interesting to see how my trip there with a chronic body compares to my trip last time with fewer chronic problems.

I'll be blogging from Vegas, though the Daily and Weekend Inspiration might be behind (as it is today and this weekend due to me preparing for vacation and working more often). I think it's going to be a fun little experiment into traveling (something I love to do) in The Body Chronic (something I can't seem to get rid of).

Things I anticipate being an issue this time:
1. Flying--airplane seats and long flights. Not fun for anyone, but less fun for a fat girl with chronic illnesses.
2. Drinking--the one thing that I love most about Vegas is the unabashed love of alcohol that accompanies each trip. Will that change this time?
3. Walking--I'll admit it, I've always been lazy, but will the walks between mega-resorts on the Strip seem more painful now?
4. Packing--I'm a little more needy these days in terms of clothes and personal items.

I'm sure there will be more, but we'll face those as they come. I am ready for a break from work and life in general.

The Chronic Cat

After me and my first cat, Spencer, moved out on our own for good for my senior year in college, he started getting lonely during the days. He was used to having another animal around to communicate with. I had a friend whose cat had kittens and it just seemed like the right thing to do to take one of them home and give Spence a friend.

That friend was Lucy.

It turns out that Lucy was destined to be mine from the beginning. I once spent the night at my friend's house while the kittens were quite young and instead of cuddling up to their mom during the night, they cuddled up with me. Lucy still cuddles with me on the couch to this day.

More importantly (and more to the point) though is that Lucy has taught me so much about chronic illness just by being her. See, Lucy has Feline Cystitis and problems with anxiety. Feline Cystitis is basically the same diagnosis as Interstitial Cystitis and is sometimes treated with the same drugs (i.e. amitriptyline) in lower doses.

I remember the first time Lucy had a flare up. I had just gotten back from New York City and was unpacking my stuff when I saw Lucy sitting in my bag that had gone with me. Knowing how much she likes bags I didn't think much of it. But when she left it turns out she had urinated on a (brand new, of course) sweatshirt and there was blood in the urine. After that, things with Lucy got more difficult. I called in a very knowledgeable vet who thankfully makes house calls because I have the most skittish cats when it comes to traveling--not to mention that that would have made Lucy's condition worse. She told me it was a form of cystitis, and that researchers were doing many studies on it as it is akin to interstitial cystitis in humans. Lucy was placed on amitriptyline and over the next few months things went back to normal.

Though Lucy was off the prescription meds for over a year, she still needed certain attention paid to her habits. Wet food was introduced twice a day to ensure that she had enough moisture in her diet. Herbal supplements were tried to see if they helped her pain. Most importantly, though, I realized how much her anxiety aggravated the problem. If I was out of town and she was not visited for a couple of days, her anxiety would be high. She didn't like it when we moved in with my now-husband who is allergic and insisted on a cat-free bedroom and so she pounded on the door relentlessly throughout the night (for which I tried many solutions but only a fan outside the door would work).

About a year after Lucy was diagnosed with Feline Cystitis, I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. It wasn't so much of a surprise to me as my mother has it, but I instantly knew why Lucy and I had a bond. We knew what it was to have a body that just did not want to cooperate--but only one of us had a voice to express the frustration that situation brings.

Studies have shown the following similarities between Feline Cystitis and Interstitial Cystitis in humans:

• Humans with interstitial cystitis show an increase in sensory nerve numbers in their bladders. Cats with FLUTD show the same thing.
  
• Humans with interstitial cystitis show loss of the mucous bladder lining that should be protecting their bladder tissues from the irritants in urine. Similar findings hold true for cats.
  
• Both humans and cats also have a waxing/waning disease course. In other words, in both species the condition comes and goes recurrently.
  
• In both species there seems to be a stress factor in times of recurrence.

Any time my IC flares up or Lucy's does I feel like we can sense each other's pain in a more acute way than my healthy cat and me do. She'll curl up on me or beside me and try to prevent me from going on the computer or doing anything strenuous and she'll follow me around seemingly to make sure that I'm doing alright. And, like now, when her body flares up, I do the same for her--getting her the medicine she needs, trying new techniques and just being conscientious that she might be in pain.

It's not fun having a Chronic Cat--there's a lot of understanding, patience, and willingness to clean up messes that comes along with it. But in that work lies a connection, a peace, and the impetus to move forward in creating a community of support. So many cats with Lucy's condition are in shelters and rescues and even put down for this behavior--if only people would realize that they could help a cat and reap such amazing rewards, maybe they'd give them a shot.

For me, though, having a Chronic Cat is just a reminder that nature built us, but didn't equip us without flaws and that sometimes a nap in the sunlight on the floor is not laziness, but a treatment program with invaluable benefits.

Daily Inspiration: 3/13/08

And the fox said to the little prince: men have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

(The above picture is of my mom's cat Mia. She was rescued and adopted by my parents in October 2006)

Daily Inspiration: 3/12/08

Pleasure is Nature’s test, her sign of approval. When man is happy, he is in harmony with himself and his environment. -Oscar Wilde

Daily Inspiration: 3/11/08

I have discovered in life that there are ways of getting almost anywhere you want to go, if you really want to go.
-Langston Hughes

Daily Inspiration: 3/10/08

One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams. - E.V. Lucas

Weekend Inspiration: March 8-9, 2008

Daily Inspiration: 3/7/08

Human potential, though not always apparent, is there waiting to be discovered and invited forth.
William W. Purkey

Pain is a funny thing

Since I've been getting some improvement from my meds, PT and stim machine, it was quite the shock to be in more of a constant pain this week. Now granted, it's the week of my period and for those of you with PFD, IC, or vulvodynia you know that this is pretty much the worst week ever. But I was just kind of taken by surprise with it all. I've had minor issues and issues I can work through but nothing like some of the stuff I've experienced this week since before January.

It also reminded me how much being in pain sucks the energy right out of you. Again, it makes sense, but when you've made progress, the regression is a bigger tumble than before.

And I pray that this is a temporary set back and have convinced myself it is, but if it's still around next week there's going to be a big bout of complaining on my part, and the thought of that also exhausts me.

I can't seem to tell if I'm more upset about the pain in and of itself or the fact that it was gone for awhile and is now back. Maybe both. Probably more of the latter.

Such is life when you live in the Body Chronic.

Daily Inspiration: 3/6/08

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
-Socrates

Diet Food

So I've always had this weird fascination with things that people typically eat on diets. Or maybe these are things that people typically eat on diets in the 80s. I'm not sure. Either way, I usually like them.

Veggies? Like.
Cottage cheese? Like.

And today I'm discovering how much I like rice cakes....so add that to the list.

Rice cakes? Like.

I am going to go through a whole bag of them if I'm not careful. They're the plain unsalted ones and I thought they'd be a better afternoon snack than either not eating something or eating something with a ton of salt or sugar. That may be true. Unless, of course, you eat the whole bag. Which I'm capable of.

I guess that proves my love of 80s diet food is not such a good thing.

Daily Inspiration: 3/4/08

He who knows no hardships will know no hardihood. He who faces no calamity will need no courage. Mysterious though it is, the characteristics in human nature which we love best grow in a soil with a strong mixture of troubles. -Harry Emerson Fosdick

The Thin Line of Fat: A New Series

Those of us who have been fat our whole lives recognize the discrimination and prejudices associated with being larger than "normal." In fact, many of us have even used the terminology ("overweight," "obese," "thick," "big-boned," "large," "Ruben-esque," "full-figured," etc.) ourselves to conform to the outside world. It's a vicious cycle that often starts when we are young and usually never ends--a cycle of self-hate, bad habits, bad choices and lack of confidence that is more enveloping than a black hole.

When you have a chronic illness, there's even more to add to the fold.

For years I struggled with what I knew in my heart to be weight that I didn't earn. And by that I mean in no way to suggest that anyone earns the weight they have (though I'm sure some do), but only that my body was doing things that I knew I couldn't control. It was only years after I was diagnosed with PCOS and someone taught me about Insulin Resistance that I was vindicated.

In those intervening years, however, instead of questioning my body, myself and my sanity I decided to embrace who I was. This was in large part due to meeting one woman in particular who taught me to start loving who I was, regardless of how much I weighed. (Unfortunately and sadly for the younger versions of Me in this world, Heather MacAllister passed after a bout of cervical cancer.) Ever since then I have been on a path of self-discovery and self-appreciation. I am no longer fat-phobic (and yes, you can be fat-phobic even if you're fat) and I appreciate and patronize the online fat-o-sphere daily. (See sites like Big Fat Blog, Big Fat Deal, Angry Fat Girlz, Fatshionista, the Rotund, Babble, and more like those listed here courtesy of Big Fat Blog.)

Then I was confronted with the confirmation that my fat had a cause that could (and probably should) be worked on. I am insulin resistant. That has caused my body to improperly turn sugar into fat and store it indefinitely. Thus, there is a way to start to control it.

For a year I went on a low carb diet, worked out regularly and lost 60+ pounds. By the world's standards I was still big, but for my standards I was svelte.

Then IC hit (or at least what I believe to be IC, PFD and vulvodynia now after further investigation). I was put on medicine that derailed my progress indefinitely by forcing me to gain weight. For the first time in over eighteen months I craved sugar and carbs. And being that it came at the time where my emotional wellbeing was at the eye of the perfect storm (getting engaged, deaths of family and friends including both grandmothers, preparing for and taking the bar exam) I was lost.

Now I struggle again. Not because I don't know what needs to be done...that part has been figured out. But it's more because I'm torn about what it means to love myself. I've agreed for a long time that it doesn't mean I have to be thin, but somehow have I convinced myself that it means that I have to be fat? And is that right? It wasn't until I lost any weight (for the first time in my life successfully) that I recognized it as a burden when I put it back on. I never felt overweight until the past year and a half. I've been fat, big, rotund, large, etc. but never overweight.

I'm at a crossroads where I've begun to get some of my intervening chronic illnesses on some sort of path to recover. Do I get back on the train that derailed a year and a half ago? Or does that train have some drawbacks of its own?

My dilemma continues to be that while I think I'll never be thin, I'm afraid of losing my identity as a fat chick. It sounds bizarre, but true. And at the same time, it's easier for me to rest where I am because, let me tell you, the first month of a healthier lifestyle is a hard road to follow. I know that it'll help the PFD and will definitely help the PCOS and IR, but is that some sort of conformity to the "man" that I don't want to associate with? And I know I felt better 60 pounds ago, so what am I thinking about?

When one has a chronic illness, these are the identity traps we fall into. This is even more true when we are given meds for problems that cause us to gain more weight than the "extra" weight we've been carrying all along. I want to confront my health, but I've spent so long advocating the fact that being fat isn't a health problem. If I lose weight, do I lose credibility now too? But if I gain it, or stay where I'm at, don't I somehow mask the underlying problem?

So the next few months are going to be dedicated, personally, to that issue. I need to get healthier, but I also need to learn to confront my demons about fat and thin and about health and illness...about mental pain and physical pain and how to balance the two.

Maybe it comes down to the fact that I need to have some sort of agreement with myself that it's okay to lose or gain weight on my own, but if its the effect of an illness or its cure, it's not me and it's okay to work against that. Maybe I need to stop identifying myself entirely. Or maybe I need to realize that everyone has that perfect spot and though I'll never be a size 8, a size 20 would be nice.

I'm a big girl. I am beautiful. And I'm beleaguered with chronic illness. Where is my balance?

Only time will tell...

1 in 3

Recent research indicates that 1 in every 3 American women is affected by a pelvic floor disorder of one type or another. Age is not a factor in this 1 in 3 statistic.

The study of 4,000 women (80 percent had given birth) found that 25 percent suffered from anal incontinence, 15 percent from stress urinary incontinence, 13 percent from overactive bladder, and 6 percent from dropped pelvic organs (pelvic organ prolapse). The women in the study were aged 25 to 84. The findings were published in the March issue of Obstetrics & Gynecology.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they've done this research but it seems to me that they need to do more broad based research and perhaps have a control group of women who have never given birth. 80% is a big group.

Nevertheless, the study did produce some good, mostly in that it brings up the topic at all.

"One of the myths surrounding pelvic floor disorder is that it affects only older women, but the truth is these conditions are extremely prevalent and extremely debilitating. But because the subject matter isn't cocktail conversation, women feel isolated and don't seek support and treatment," study co-author Dr. Karl Luber, a urogynecologist in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at Kaiser Permanente San Diego Medial Center, said in a prepared statement.

Women with symptoms of pelvic floor disorders should consult with a doctor trained in female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgery, he advised.

"Among the available options for treatment for these common disorders are physical therapy to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, devices that can be fit to support your vaginal walls, and surgery. Many of today's surgeries are very noninvasive and can be done as an outpatient," Luber said.

This statistic should be rather interesting in and of itself:

In the United States, more than 15 million women have stress urinary incontinence, 16 million have an overactive bladder, and one in 10 suffers from anal incontinence, according to information in a news release about the study.

I wonder how many of those 15 million that have stress urinary incontinence also has anal incontinence...they are so often linked. Just a thought.

Daily Inspiration: 3/3/08

It is the ultimate wisdom of the mountains that a man is never more a man than when he is striving for what is beyond his grasp.
- James Ramsey Ullman

Weekend Inspiration: March 1-2, 2008